Auld Lang Syne

Should old acquaintance be forgot? And never brought to mind?

Yes. If only it was as easy as singing a song at midnight on January 1st.

Kevin the dog and I were walking this morning, and I started really thinking about what I want my life to look like this year.  I've already made positive steps in the end of 2012 by moving out, getting a dog, and starting a new improv troupe with a friend.  And I realized that while I'm really fantastic at doing me, I'm not so great at doing others.  Wait.  That sounds bad. What I mean is that I'm a fabulous, fantastic single me, but couple me is not so great.  Obviously.

Maybe if you got out more and stopped taking and posting photos of me on social media, you'd meet someone.

I had an epiphany on that walk.  As I pondered the question of my singledom while bagging Kevin's super stinky poop, I realized that I have been in the dating scene for 15 YEARS NOW.   And no one has really stuck.  And the one common denominator is ME.  Neurotic, control freak, scared of commitment me. And it needs to change.

So often I'm attracted to people because I know that they're no good for me.  I've never once been in a relationship where I felt that this person was meant to be in my life forever and that we'd shoot out some babies and share a mortgage.  Maybe it's that I've yet to meet that special someone. Maybe it's that there have been one too many one sided relationships, where I felt more than the other person did.  Or maybe I'm getting in my own way.  And I'm carrying around way too much baggage, kinda like the stinky poo bag I had to carry four miles before finding an appropriate bin where I could throw it away.

I'm gonna stop that nonsense. I'm gonna throw out the metaphorical stinky poo bag.  I'm going to open myself up in the new year to being a better me.  And through that process I hope to meet that person who will be around longer than a year or two.

OK. Enough waxing philosophical about my relationship failures. Time for some New Year's Resolutions.

In 2013, I resolve to do the following things.

1) Make resolutions.

 I hope you all have a fantastic New Years and that 2013 treats you well! 

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm an adult. An adult who at this moment is wearing penguin pjs, eating cookies and sipping milk out of a penguin coffee mug while wearing sock monkey slippers. I swear I'm an adult.  I've been watching Christmas movies all day, and I thought that this would be a good time to write to you.  I'm not going to wish for my Prince Charming, as sweet, lisping Lacey Chabert did in the Hallmark movie I watched an hour ago.  I'm pretty sure that Prince Charming does not exist.  And I'm really ok with that.  There are so many more important things to ask for during this holiday season. I don't have a list of toys that I want, and I'm not a cold hearted business man looking for redemption during the holiday season like Kevin Sorbo in that weird movie where he's cursed to look like Santa until he learns a holiday lesson and wins the girl.  I'm just a girl who's feeling sick, both physically and with recent events in the world, spiritually.

Yesterday, something terrible happened.  Something so terrible that I don't even want to type what happened here in this letter. I just keep imagining toys purchased and hidden in homes with no recipients on Christmas. Families who will be mourning when they should be celebrating. I wish that it was the first terrible thing to happen this past year, but it's not.  And there's no knowing that it will be the last either.  This world we live in is increasingly more dangerous, and there's no guarantee that something like it won't happen again and that it won't happen closer to home.  I want to squeeze all the babies I know, and protect them with everything I have.  I've been wishy washy about my desire to have some of my own, but this past year I've made a decision that I would love being a mom.  I'm pretty good at the "aunt" thing, and I have no doubt that a child of mine would be adorable (SUPER ADORABLE) and loved.

So, I guess I need to get to the asking, Santa.  I want to ask you for more understanding this year.  For the ability to love more and to reach out more to people who may need a kind word or a gesture.  To love everyone in my life wholeheartedly.    To  appreciate every moment with the people who are here because life is just too short. And I want to ask you, as well, to help the people in the world to stop being angry all the time. There's so much that is beautiful and wonderful in the world.  And if a slightly jaded 31 year old woman can see it, I hope that the rest of the world can as well.

This letter probably won't do much in healing the wounds of our society.  I'm not trying to do that.  I just ask you to help remind me in my darker moments that everything is going to be all right and that we have to have faith in our fellow man, especially in times like these.

I'm going to get back to my milk and cookies and this cheesy Hallmark movie starring Casper Van Dien. Thank you, Santa. Have a good trip on the 24th, and spread a little more cheer this year than years past.

Simply Improv

It all started with a car ride back from an improv mixer in Miami.  Brad Barfield and I started talking about a show created entirely on the spot, with music, dancers, and comedians.  It was late at night, and the ideas were flowing with the assistance of exhaustion.  As he dropped me at my car, he asked, "What should we name our new troupe?"  It took me a second, but the name The Rejects popped into my mind.  We had both been involved in various improv troupes in the area, and it just seemed fitting.  A lot of people told me that the negative connotation would turn people off to our shows, but I thought it was the perfect name for such a ragtag group of performers.  We brought together a group of people who were passionate about the art form, but who had various levels of experience on stage and in the spotlight.

Awesome logo by Amanda Marie Fuentes

We scheduled our first show for October. It was cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy.  We were pretty upset, but it was for the best as the weather was unpredictable and the safety of our audience was more important than our desire to put on a show.

Things continued to line up.  We settled on our 5 person troupe as the holidays were nearing, and conflicts with other performers schedules trimmed down our numbers.  Brad had brought in his friend from high school, Harry Bayron, who brought two other professional musicians into the fold to create the improvised music for our shows.  

Last night was the culmination of hours and hours of rehearsals, creation of new formats, and a lot of sweat and tears (and blood as Brad sliced himself on his sound equipment, and I paper cut myself on our raffle money envelope.)  Having a show on a Friday is stressful when you have day jobs, school, and a drive from Ft. Lauderdale.  We were setting up right until the house was supposed to open at 6:30pm, and finally brought the audience in at 6:45.

The shows were not without their flaws. But the band played some awesome, catchy tunes. The audience laughed. We laughed.  And we sold 131 tickets over the 2 shows, collecting 10 Toys for Tots.

Some highlights from last nights show:

• Harry and the boys of Rogue Theory (I finally got the name right!) playing 4 original, improvised tunes to the suggestions of Christmas, Cherries, Cookies, and Rabbits.  
• 2 completely wasted Day in the Life interviews that ended up being pretty funny regardless of their lack of participation.

• The premiere of two new improv formats that The Rejects created during our rehearsal process. Interpretive Dance and SongForm Improv.  Vicky got so into her interpretive dance that I had to drag her off the stage during the first show.  During the second, she and I both put our dancers (Rose and Brad) through the ringer physically.  BJ did an amazing job of introducing this format.  The SongForm is a 25-30 minute long form improv where a suggestion is acquired from the audience. The ban starts playing a song based on the suggestion, and sing a verse and chorus, when the actors take over and introduce their characters in song. After all 5 intros, the actors start performing 2 person scenes in reverse order.  THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING!

There were a lot more highlights, but I'm sleepy from a full day of work and shows yesterday.  Photos from the show are pending, so you'll be able to see for yourselves.   Now it's time to plan our next show.  Thank you a million times to everyone who came out to support our first endeavor. There will be more improv and music to come!



 

Dan's Christmas List 2008 version

As you know, my brother Dan and I are very sympatico in a number of ways.  Our trip to San Diego for Comic-Con this last year was the culmination of 31 years of nerding out over the same things. 4 years ago, he wrote a Christmas list that to this day makes me giggle, chortle, and titter. Read on and get a glimpse of the strange man who helped me become the nerdbag I am today.

 Nerd. But he's OUR nerd.

My name is Daniel J. Pottinger.  I like short walks on the beach because walking in sand is tiring.  I like sunsets, but not because they are pretty but because it's getting dark and people are going to sleep and thus ceasing to annoy me with their presence.  I'm an animal lover....the more I can eat in one sitting, the happier I tend to be, unless vegetables interfere with my world, then it's WAR!

This is my Christmas list.  It's all the things I WANT.  The holiday is about giving me what I want, and nothing to do with the birth of Christ.  The shopping malls all say it's so, so it must be!

With that said, let the list begin:

--A roomba.  It's a robot that vacuums for me.  My current vacuum sucks.  Not sucks in the good way, but sucks as in it does not suck well at all.  Does that make sense?  I think I confused myself.  Needless to say, a ROOMBA would be sweet, because it has a mind of it's own and just cleans up for you.  This also increases my odds of being right in the middle of it when robots rebel against us humans.  I might just side with the robots.  You've been warned.

--The gimmicky things like the Perfect Push-Up and the Perfect Pull-Up seem right up my alley.  They have the word perfect in them, so that's a great start.  I think I'd prefer the pull-up variation, as I already do perfect push-ups (possibly of the girly variety, but shhh, that's our secret.)

--New books from new authors that YOU think are good.  That's very vague, but it's also a chance for you to recommend something to me.  Just know I'll be judging you as I read it.  I prefer suspense, horror, sci fi, fantasy, and military fiction.  The military fiction I prefer leans towards not very wordy complicated code word bullcrap *cough Tom Clancy cough* and more general stuff like Ted Bell and etc.  Just so you know.  If there is a monkey in the book, it's an award winner in my eyes and heart.

--I think I'm going to lean away from video games this holiday.  I barely have time to play as it is, and I'm way behind on my gaming.  If someone wants to randomly purchase me the new God of War game for the PS3 next March, it's never too late to be thoughtful.  I'm not sure if I want Rock Band or not......everytime I try to play the drums, I lose a little self esteem.  It is pretty sweet though.  Amanda loves my singing, so I guess I could just always be the singer........"my girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the tiiiiiiiiiiiime!"

--Gift cards to techy places are good, but I always seem to fall into the gift card trap.  See, companies want you to give gift cards knowing that the recipient will most likely head to the store and spend MORE than their gift card has to offer.  It really makes me angry that I fall for that.

--If someone wants to decide what I do next, that'd be cool too.  I'm almost 30, but it's time to go back to school, probably......but do I pursue a masters in Psych and deal with the crazies or go into Law and deal with the crazies?  Why am I always drawn to crazies?

--Does it bother any of you that I just typed "I'm almost 30"?  If so, I am amused.

--No CD's please, or Itunes gift cards.  You'd be taking away my pirate eligibility if I did things legit when I didn't have to.  I got my cred to worry about here.

--Blu Ray movies are ok, however.  I got nothing witty to say here.  Sorry.

--These shoes are freakin' sweet!  http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/products_sprint.cfm
I have always said I prefer running bare foot than with shoes.  I hate shoes.  They interfere with balance and flexibility.  Plus, what if zombies attack and I don't have time to put shoes on.  I'll be like "man, I run pretty much barefoot all the time anyway, so long suckers."  While everyone else is trying to get their shoes on, I'll be running fast as fast can be, and they will have their brains eaten.  I win.

--Board games like: Tripoley, Balderdash, Boggle, Scrabble sweet carry case edition.  Basically all dorky games I'll never have a chance to convince anyone to play with me but that make me feel good about being good at.

--An electric guitar.  I did say I was 30.  It's about time for a mid life crisis.  I just want to see if I can hook one up to my computer, turn it on full blast, and then play Van Halen and blow up the speakers before I go back in time in.......

--I want a DeLorean.  Someone make this happen.

--This really isn't a helpful list.

--I sure would hate to be the person that draws my name.  I'd look at this list and be like, "how is any of this under whatever the limit is this year?!?!?" and my answer to myself would be "it's not."

--If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to mention it offhandedly to my mum.  It'll spread like wildfire if I do that.

That's all folks....now stop looking at me.

--Daniel

---

 

Attention Deficit Dis....

It's been a month since my last post. I swore I would be better about posting here, and I once again became lax in my duties because of life getting in the way.  I'm sitting at home on a Saturday, watching Hallmark movies and blubbering like an idiot.  Don't judge.  This really tough lady just started crying cause they found a lump and she was being a bitch to the main character because she was worried about it AND NOW THEY ARE FRIENDS.  For some reason, this has made me want to blog.  It's gonna be a random one, as that's how I roll. Bear with me, as I'm spitballing here.

Change is happening in my life, and as such I am forgetting EVERYTHING. I mean, everything.  This week alone I have shown up a week early for a dentist appointment. I bought two bottles of shampoo when I needed shampoo and conditioner.  This morning, after a late evening watching horror movies, I slept late until my phone rang with an unknown number.  It was a woman who had contacted me for an emcee gig for  February, reminding me of our meeting scheduled today for an hour and a half after her call. I'm gonna be honest and say I have never shot out of bed faster.  I had scheduled to chat with a publisher this morning at 10am, so I ended up calling him as I drove to Delray for my appointment.  I decided to kill some time until 1pm, when I was going to meet a new friend for an event at the convention center downtown, only to realize she told me she wanted to meet at 4pm.  DOH.

Hopefully, all this will be alleviated when I actually finish out the next two weeks of insanity.  I'm moving. Not packed yet. Have a member event, wedding rehearsal dinner, and wedding all next weekend and FORGOT ABOUT THEM AND SCHEDULED MY MOVE. I AM LOSING MY MIND.

I am doing absolutely nothing this weekend until my brain refocuses on how to connect dots. This bottle of wine will help as well. Or it will kill the remaining befuddled brain cells.  Either way, Bailey will be happy as I'll be right here on the couch, with him by my side.

Oh, crap.  There's an infomercial with people who can't use cotton swabs to clean their ears, so they're buying an ear wax vacuum.  Two for only $10.   WAXVAC JUST MAKES SENSE.

Who knew?

Note: This is going to be a pretty personal blog.  If you don't want to read about someone discovering how to be happy again after a bout with depression, then you should probably read no further.

I haven't written in a while, as I have been pretty...tired.  Creatively, I was numb.  Mentally, I was exhausted. Spiritually, I was despairing.  And I say all these things not in a "Woe is me" kinda deal. I in no way am trying to inspire anyone to pity, feel sorry for, or sympathize with me.  I'm just telling it like it is. I was depressed and I admit it with no shame.  I wasn't enjoying ANYTHING, and it made me a pretty miserable, horrible person to be around at times.  It's telling that one of my favorite songs ever is "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson.  It's been the theme song of my life thus far.

You may be saying, "No, Lauren. Not you.  You were never depressed.  You're always doing SOMETHING.  You're always laughing."  I'm an actor, people.  Others might be saying, "Oh, wow.  this is so PERSONAL.  How can she share this with the 12 people who read her blog?" And to that I say, "How could I not?"

This is the face of a crazy person.

Depression is a thing. It's scarily like the commercials, where everything is gray and the people are tired and hurting.  Except I don't lay on the couch all day, cause I have a job and at least I know that I have to make money and being around other people sometimes makes things less depressing. If I distract myself with shiny objects, it'll be better.  And that's how I've gotten to the place I am in now.  A place where I realized that I HAVE to change, otherwise I'll be wasting the life that I was given.  A place that was super butt sore from laying on the couch for a week and not doing anything with myself except working, taking care of the dog and eating. A lot. And drinking. A lot.

So. I've been going to therapy.  I had a pretty major breakdown/breakthrough last week, and EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT.  Food tastes better.  I laugh a little easier and joke a little less.  I've only had one major anger moment, and it resulted in a bunch of people laughing at me and me apologizing instead of simmering in the stew of the anger for the remainder of the day.  I realized that everything in my life that is bringing me down can be changed by dealing with it in the now and not pushing it down until it bursts out of my chest like the baby from the first Alien movie. I joined Weight Watchers, because my physical state is  directly tied to my mental state.  I invested in new clothes that are actually ME, makeup that makes me feel more beautiful, and have been getting back into the creative part of my life.  And I'm still DOING everything, I'm just enjoying it more and analyzing it less.

I've been scared to do a lot of things cause my brain was tricking me into thinking I couldn't do them, that it was a waste of time and that I would always, always fail regardless of past successes.  Maybe this voice was a result of abuse in a relationship during my college years. Or a part of being an actor and having rejection as a constant in my life (though to be honest, I haven't had much of it in that regard.) Or maybe it was a voice who was punishing me for stupid things I did in my past.  All I know is that  I'm telling that part of my brain to go fuck itself, because I'm not taking it anymore.

I went too long ignoring this part of me, and chalking it up to being tired, lonely, blah. I'm still tired and lonely, but now I know that there are things I can do to stave off the overwhelming desire to turn on Netflix and watch a whole TV series in a weekend. Though that certainly still has a place.

Keep your eye on the ball.

Taking a break from Comic-Con updates to basically have a mental breakdown.  This happens every year after my birthday. I start to contemplate mortality and legacy, and then get sucked into the mire of re-evaluating the life I am currently leading.  31 is not old, but it feels fucking old. I felt it a lot while I was in San Diego. I was tired from walking and over-stimulation.  Instead of staying up all night and partying, I sought the solace of 8 hours of sleep.  I probably missed a lot of things that, if I knew about them, would hurt my heart, because I was feeling too old, too tired, too out of shape.

When I was 18, I was lucky enough to be able to travel all over Europe with the group Up with People. It was an amazing experience, that started with training for several weeks in Denver, CO.  The training included inspirational speeches from people who have made a difference in this world.   One man was trying to end child prostitution in Costa Rica.  He inspired me at that young age to fight against the evils in this world.  Another woman was a doctor who gave a speech about keeping your eye on the ball.  This speech has haunted the dark and dusty corners of my brain for the last 12 years.

I haven't kept my eye on the ball.  I've stopped giving. Stopped helping.  I've become surly and complacent, and that's not what I want to be.  I've stopped trying to effect the world in a positive way, and instead of focusing on how to help my fellow man, I've focused on how to help myself.  I've closed myself off from people, when I should be opening up.  And I don't know how to stop.

Lately, I've realized that our country needs voices.  Voices of people who may not agree with each other, but that are informed and passionate about the issues that plague us as Americans.    Voices that are raised, not in anger, but with pride. As much as working a phone bank for my presidential pick for this election was stressful and boring, I realized that it was at least a small drop in the bucket for effecting change that I believe should happen in this country. It's created a small bit of me that realizes that this life I am leading is not enough.  And that when I reach the end of my life, I don't want to be saying, "I don't know who I want to be.  I don't know what I want to do yet."

Time to get my eye BACK on the ball.