Everybody Hates Singles

I love being single. In a squirrely, never want to leave the house kinda way. I enjoy my own company and I am unashamed of that fact.  But our society has been giving me more and more signals that single is not the way to go.

One bedroom apartments in safe neighborhoods are 15 gazillion bazillion dollars.  One bedroom apartments in crappy, scary areas with chalk outlines of bodies are in an affordable range.  It's cool.  I'll sell some eggs or a kidney for that 800 sq. of safety and comfort.

Plus One on a Wedding Website RSVP-Won't go through unless the second email for Guest is filled in. Umm. Thanks for your generosity, but I don't have a plus one. So, I put myself as my date. Suck it, happy couples who are getting married and love each other.  I'm having chicken AND steak.

Single Serving Frozen veggies-Broccoli and cheese is mostly stalks. WHY DO COUPLES/FAMILIES GET ALL THE FLORETS?  GREEN GIANT, YOU BIASED BASTARD(S)!

There are two Twix and 4 Kit Kat. I have no one to share with, so end up feeling like a glutton when I scarf that stuff.  I CAN'T JUST PUT THEM BACK IN THE PACKAGE AND I CAN'T THROW THEM AWAY. That would be wasteful.

SleepNumber Commercials. Why's it gotta be all about couples?  Maybe some days I like the left side to be super hard and the right side to be super soft.  That way, when I roll from one side of the bed to the other (WHICH I CAN DO AS I HAVE THE WHOLE BED TO MYSELF AND DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING KICKED, SMACKED, OR SNORED AT), I can enjoy a different sleep experience. Also, maybe Kev might like a soft side. Pets are people, too.

Publix key lime full pies are too big.  Half pies are too big. But not if you eat them over 3 days.  Right?

I'm gonna drink the other half of this bottle of wine cause I don't have to spend as much money on alcohol cause I only have one or two glasses at a sitting. HEY! Being single is great!!

YAY!

Insomnia Makes a Great Mirror

I haven't been sleeping well. I'm too...something. Too wired. Too antsy. My legs won't stop twitching and my mind won't stop wandering. I dwell on the inane and the insane.

Thoughts:
"Why are my veins all protruding recently? Am I dying?  What would WebMD say?"
 "Is Kevin happy? Why does he lick himself so much? Why doesn't he lick himself more?"
"Where am I going to live in two months?"
"Why am I so mean to myself?"
"Why do I try so hard?"
"Why don't I try harder?"
"What do I want to do?"
"Who do I want to be?"
"Is there ice cream in the freezer?"

On this, the third night of raging sleeplessness, I decided to take a melatonin early so that I could drop into sleepy time without a hitch. It hasn't worked yet. I read a book.  I watched some Netflix. I took pictures of my dog.  Then I decided to get ready for bed.  The roommate is away, so I've been T-shirt and
underpant-ing it up for bed the last few nights out of a weird sense of rebellion.  I know.  Underpant-ing is not a word. Get your own blog.

I washed my face and scrubbed with all my might. I used my water pick. Brushed my teeth. I took out my eyeballs. Took my hair down and applied night cream. And stared at my reflection in the mirror. Make-up less except the smear of mascara I always miss under my right eye. Hair in disarray.  White long underwear shirt and granny panties with a paisley pattern on them. I've been skipping the hair dye as it's expensive to do right and a mess to do myself. The mousy brown strands that I've been dyeing since I was 12 peeked out from above the dark brown ends.  I looked.  And looked closer (I'm blind without my eyeballs.) And I realized something extraordinary.

I like myself. I finally like myself. I felt more beautiful and together in those few moments than I have for the last few years.

I've been panicking for the last couple of months...

whereamigoingtobewhatamigoingtodowhoamidopeoplelikemewhyamidoingthisjobidon'tknowhowtodowhyaminotgoodenoughmaybeishouldrunawaystartoverwhydidiscrewthatupican'tdoanythingrightsomeonetellmewhattodoi'mnothappywillibehappywillieverbehappy WILL I EVER BE HAPPY?

The answer is yes.  I will.  I am.  I just have to look more. It took a mental breakdown at work, a vacation with people I love, lots of wine and lots of puppy kisses, but I am happy. At least with myself and the rest can fall into place.

I like the mousy brown. It's me. It's who I am and who I was meant to be. I don't need to hide that person anymore. I'm not fooling anyone by being this figment of who I really am.  I can have hard days and I can have joyful days.  I just need to LOOK and realize that no matter what I do or where I am, what I wear or what I say, the constant is me. And liking me is the first step in an awesome adventure that is the rest of my life.

NOW IF THE MELATONIN COULD KICK IN, EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREAT.