Who knew?

Note: This is going to be a pretty personal blog.  If you don't want to read about someone discovering how to be happy again after a bout with depression, then you should probably read no further.

I haven't written in a while, as I have been pretty...tired.  Creatively, I was numb.  Mentally, I was exhausted. Spiritually, I was despairing.  And I say all these things not in a "Woe is me" kinda deal. I in no way am trying to inspire anyone to pity, feel sorry for, or sympathize with me.  I'm just telling it like it is. I was depressed and I admit it with no shame.  I wasn't enjoying ANYTHING, and it made me a pretty miserable, horrible person to be around at times.  It's telling that one of my favorite songs ever is "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson.  It's been the theme song of my life thus far.

You may be saying, "No, Lauren. Not you.  You were never depressed.  You're always doing SOMETHING.  You're always laughing."  I'm an actor, people.  Others might be saying, "Oh, wow.  this is so PERSONAL.  How can she share this with the 12 people who read her blog?" And to that I say, "How could I not?"

This is the face of a crazy person.

Depression is a thing. It's scarily like the commercials, where everything is gray and the people are tired and hurting.  Except I don't lay on the couch all day, cause I have a job and at least I know that I have to make money and being around other people sometimes makes things less depressing. If I distract myself with shiny objects, it'll be better.  And that's how I've gotten to the place I am in now.  A place where I realized that I HAVE to change, otherwise I'll be wasting the life that I was given.  A place that was super butt sore from laying on the couch for a week and not doing anything with myself except working, taking care of the dog and eating. A lot. And drinking. A lot.

So. I've been going to therapy.  I had a pretty major breakdown/breakthrough last week, and EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT.  Food tastes better.  I laugh a little easier and joke a little less.  I've only had one major anger moment, and it resulted in a bunch of people laughing at me and me apologizing instead of simmering in the stew of the anger for the remainder of the day.  I realized that everything in my life that is bringing me down can be changed by dealing with it in the now and not pushing it down until it bursts out of my chest like the baby from the first Alien movie. I joined Weight Watchers, because my physical state is  directly tied to my mental state.  I invested in new clothes that are actually ME, makeup that makes me feel more beautiful, and have been getting back into the creative part of my life.  And I'm still DOING everything, I'm just enjoying it more and analyzing it less.

I've been scared to do a lot of things cause my brain was tricking me into thinking I couldn't do them, that it was a waste of time and that I would always, always fail regardless of past successes.  Maybe this voice was a result of abuse in a relationship during my college years. Or a part of being an actor and having rejection as a constant in my life (though to be honest, I haven't had much of it in that regard.) Or maybe it was a voice who was punishing me for stupid things I did in my past.  All I know is that  I'm telling that part of my brain to go fuck itself, because I'm not taking it anymore.

I went too long ignoring this part of me, and chalking it up to being tired, lonely, blah. I'm still tired and lonely, but now I know that there are things I can do to stave off the overwhelming desire to turn on Netflix and watch a whole TV series in a weekend. Though that certainly still has a place.