Key Largo...Montego...baby, why don't we go....to the ER!

This weekend was great.

And it sucked.

Big time.

I went to Islamorada with my dear friend, Casey, to teach improv to 75 students, raging in age from adults to elementary school students. It was fun. It was rewarding. It would have been more fun and rewarding had I not been barfing or thinking about barfing all weekend.

Friday morning, I woke up at 3:30am with the worst Charley Horse I had ever experienced.  I was soaked in sweat, even though I had gone to bed in a t-shirt and shorts.  I had to be up at 5:00am to drive to Boca for our trip, and felt...off. I scarfed some Belvita bars in the car. Casey and I stopped for coffee.  And then nausea began.

I held off being sick until our second stop of the day at about 11:00am.  We were in a Montessori school in a FREAKING CASTLE, and Casey and I walked outside so I could cool off while we waited for our contact to show up.  Casey looked at me and said, "Just go throw up."

I did. It was awful.  But I felt better for a bit. That night we went to a fancy party and ate a ton of free food.  Went back to the condo and ate junk food, watched Hot Rod, and smoked cigars. The next day we grabbed breakfast and went to teach. And I felt it again.  A need to throw up. I dry heaved a couple of times on our way home.  Went to bed at 11.  Woke up at 11. Slept the whole day. Went to the parents for our pre-Thanksgiving dinner. Threw up.  Everything hurt.

I took Monday off of work cause I felt so crappy.  Called my lady doctor and left a message with symptoms.  They called back at noon for more info. Called again at 2:45 and told me to go to the ER.  Got to the ER at 3:30pm and left at 8:00pm.   Mom drove me and brought a book from which she read to me aloud. Was diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, which occurs when an infection exists in the body prior to the biopsy they performed and is then spread all over by the procedure.

They put me on an IV drip of antibiotics.  Took X-rays, CAT scans, blood work, an ultrasound....which showed that I have a number of fibroids, not the one my doctor told me about.

The largest of which is 1cm across. Not the 7mm that my other doctor said.

They gave me oral antibiotics.  Gave me pain pills.  And sent me home.

I am going to the doctor today for a follow up.  I may have to reschedule my surgery next week.   And I feel like absolute shit.

I think I may need to get a new doctor.

Update on lady parts.

I have a fibroid.

It's the size of a pencil eraser that has been used until it's 7mm.

So...it's 7mm. By 8mm.

See that second pearl?  The second one from the penny? That's it.
Imagine that pearl attached to my uterus.
Or don't cause that's weird.

They did a biopsy last Monday.  It hurt like nothing has ever hurt in my life, and I've broken limbs and had a paper cut on my eyeball. The doc asked how I was doing as she stuck a camera up there.

"As good as someone can be with a camera up her hootinanny." I'm a classy chick. 

They always say, "This is gonna pinch."  Or "this is gonna cramp." 

No. It doesn't pinch and it doesn't cramp.  It fucking hurts.  Gynecological science has not gotten past the Dark Ages. It's awful and intimate and made me cry a little.

They are taking that sucker out on December 3rd.  Thank goodness. The Crimson Tide will finally go away. I'll feel better.  And I can finally stop worrying.   Mom is coming to stay at my apartment the night before so she can drive me.  Dad is taking care of Kevin so I don't have to walk up and down stairs. They are great.  It's going to be fine.

EXCEPT WHAT IF IT'S CANCER?  WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED WITH BIOPSY RESULTS?  WHY AM I HAVING BLOODWORK THIS MONDAY THAT CHECKS IF I HAVE CANCER? WHY DOES MY CHART SAY I HAVE HAD PRE CANCEROUS CELLS IN MY LAST TWO COLPOSCOPIES?  WHY DO I KEEP LOGGING IN TO MY CHART TO SEE IF I HAVE CANCER? 

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST CALL AND SAY IT'S NOT CANCER?

HOW MANY TIMES CAN I TYPE CANCER?

I think I need a Valium.

CANCER.

Cranky pants

I've been bleeding for a few months.  Off and on. Even with pills and hormones and cycles.  Oh, my.

Yup. I went there.

I had an ultrasound for my naughty bits because they are apparently broken.  I scheduled a bunch of tests for this coming Monday.

I hate tests.

I hate doctors.

I hate the fact that I feel like less of a woman because of these issues. I started worrying that I'll never get to experience pregnancy. I started looking into artificial insemination. Reading blogs of women who have made the decision to have a child on their own. Too extreme?  Yes. But this is me we're talking about.

My friends are all super supportive.  My mom signed me up for Match.com.  Again.  She and I talk about the fact that all of this makes me feel less than.  She wants me to find someone that can be my go to in tough times and in good.  But how do I put myself out there when I feel like I'm broken?

I got super drunk this weekend. I chalked it up to being out of town with no need to drive myself, but that's not it.  I was trying to let off some steam and also just trying to not think about everything that has been going on recently. My clothes don't fit.  I'm losing weight. I'm not hungry. I'm just worried. All the time. Tired.  All the time.  And I hope that these procedures will make it all better. I have my doubts, as I'll still be bat shit once they're done.  But maybe I'll be less tired.  Maybe I'll have more energy.  An appetite. For more than just food.  For life.

Gah, that got depressing.  Here's a picture of a sloth on a stuffed animal to cheer you up.