Keep your eye on the ball.

Taking a break from Comic-Con updates to basically have a mental breakdown.  This happens every year after my birthday. I start to contemplate mortality and legacy, and then get sucked into the mire of re-evaluating the life I am currently leading.  31 is not old, but it feels fucking old. I felt it a lot while I was in San Diego. I was tired from walking and over-stimulation.  Instead of staying up all night and partying, I sought the solace of 8 hours of sleep.  I probably missed a lot of things that, if I knew about them, would hurt my heart, because I was feeling too old, too tired, too out of shape.

When I was 18, I was lucky enough to be able to travel all over Europe with the group Up with People. It was an amazing experience, that started with training for several weeks in Denver, CO.  The training included inspirational speeches from people who have made a difference in this world.   One man was trying to end child prostitution in Costa Rica.  He inspired me at that young age to fight against the evils in this world.  Another woman was a doctor who gave a speech about keeping your eye on the ball.  This speech has haunted the dark and dusty corners of my brain for the last 12 years.

I haven't kept my eye on the ball.  I've stopped giving. Stopped helping.  I've become surly and complacent, and that's not what I want to be.  I've stopped trying to effect the world in a positive way, and instead of focusing on how to help my fellow man, I've focused on how to help myself.  I've closed myself off from people, when I should be opening up.  And I don't know how to stop.

Lately, I've realized that our country needs voices.  Voices of people who may not agree with each other, but that are informed and passionate about the issues that plague us as Americans.    Voices that are raised, not in anger, but with pride. As much as working a phone bank for my presidential pick for this election was stressful and boring, I realized that it was at least a small drop in the bucket for effecting change that I believe should happen in this country. It's created a small bit of me that realizes that this life I am leading is not enough.  And that when I reach the end of my life, I don't want to be saying, "I don't know who I want to be.  I don't know what I want to do yet."

Time to get my eye BACK on the ball.