I haven't been good about blogging. It's not that I haven't had things to write about, because I have had things to write about.
It's not because I don't want to write. I love writing.
It's because I don't want anyone to worry.
I haven't been ok lately. I'm not sure what it is, but I haven't felt at all like myself. There's a dark cloud over me and it's been pretty hard to get out from under.
Last night, I went to my friend Tiffany's wedding. At about 11 am, I started panicking. It was in Miami. I'd have to drive an hour and 22 minutes. I checked the invite time 5 times. Made plans to walk Kevin at 1 and then get ready. I tried 5 outfits on. I couldn't decide. I didn't want to go. I dreaded going. My stomach was in knots. "Something can come up. She'll understand."
I love Tiffany. LOVE HER. Her fiance, now husband, is wonderful. They are great, fun people and I love the fact that I was around when they first started hanging out. I love them. I love her family. But I couldn't get my brain to stop worrying about the whole thing.
I went. I sat through the beautiful ceremony and looked into the eyes of two people who are incredibly perfect for each other. I cried during their vows. I watched them kiss. I watched them dance. I made small talk with everyone at my table. I ate dinner. It was delicious.
Then the panic sank in again. I was going to have to make more small talk. I was going to have to dance, when my body felt like it had been beaten on. My arm hurt...I'd left the sling at home. My bra straps were showing. My heart started racing. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror. Tried to give myself a pep talk. And couldn't.
I texted a friend that something had come up at a work party and I had to go. I left mid-best man speech. I clutched my clutch and waited for the valet to get my car. I raced home and into a flannel shirt and pajama pants. I read. I watched a shitty movie and I berated myself.
Today, I did laundry. After the first load, I was exhausted. I slept until 9:30am and by 11am I wanted to take a nap. I held off. Did more chores. Sat back on the couch. Fell asleep at 2:30 and woke up at 5. Walked Kevin. It was a chore. Came home and sat some more.
I have been laying in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. I realized just now that this is absolutely no way to live. I signed up for some e-counseling and will be going to see my GP about upping my meds. I invited all of my local close friends over to my house this Saturday. There were 8 people to invite and 3 of them are family members. This is not what I want my life to be. I can't keep being lonely and sad and angry at myself. I can't keep saying to myself that everyone else probably has other things to do so I should just wait until they reach out to me. I'm going to try to be better. To feel better.
