Memories

I updated my iTunes. It was very exciting.

Surprisingly, the update pulled some videos from the recesses of my 2008 Compaq from a trip to Arizona.  I was there for my 10 year Up With People reunion and Grand Canyon tour with my very good friend from my Shadowbox days, LoJ Hunt.  I pushed play on a video of the Canyon, reminiscing about our road trip and my first view of the giant hole in the ground. Sunset softened the pastel colors of the canyon, and I narrated in a slap happy voice the feelings that I was experiencing.  Then I turned the camera on myself for a goofy moment to mark this epic occasion.

The me of today was shocked. Startled. Stunned. The girl in the video was thin. Super thin.  Scary thin.

The me of today envied the me of 2009 in that she was in a size 4 pant. The me of today also ate pizza for dinner. The me of 2009 barely ate anything. She couldn't control anything in her life other than food. The me of 2009 ended up passing out in her apartment, being rescued by her parents, then went to fry pickles with her sister.  And that was the turning point.

Skinny Spaz

I never sought help for my anorexia. I just stopped starving myself. And over the past few years, I've gone the opposite way.  Not denying myself anything food wise because I was scared of a relapse. Now I'm faced with another dilemma.  I want to be healthier.  I want to feel comfortable in my skin.  I couldn't love myself then and I can't love myself now.  I know I can be a better version of myself without the harmful brain patterns that lead me to drink coffee for breakfast. Eat a small salad for lunch. And completely ignore dinner.  I AM healthy. My cholesterol is great.  My blood pressure is fantastic.  I may be clumsy, but that's a different story.

Plus size Pottinger

I didn't let my scale calibrate the other day and thought I had lost 13 pounds in 2 weeks.  WHA?  But no worries, friends. I didn't lose 13.  I lost 4. And a good portion was period bloat. So I'm still on track and I'm still being healthy. I'm gonna keep those videos to show me what NOT to do to be fit.