I suck a lot.

Today was a rather slow day at work.  I've been on this kick of reading inspirational articles and trying to learn to love myself a little more, and today was full of this kind of study, as no one was in and no one was calling. After lunch, I decided to water the plants in our front lobby.  While I was filling up the jug in the bathroom, I really looked at myself in the ugly gold plated mirror above the sink. Really looked, not just the usual perfunctory glance. I didn't avoid the hair I neglected to blow dry as it was pouring down rain and what's the point.  I didn't avoid the rushed make-up job based on being flooded in my apartment all morning, only to be called in to my job at a GOLF COURSE IN A TROPICAL STORM. I turned to the side, looking at the way my dress hugs my stomach which has always and will always be the bane of my existence.

I stared at myself and let out a huge sigh. That sigh released the tension that is perpetually in my midriff area, as I am constantly sucking in.  It doesn't matter what I'm wearing or where I am. In my pjs. In a dress for work. I'm perpetually trying to make myself look like something I'm not. When I let out that sigh, I let out the somewhat plus sized but not girl that just wants to be on the other side of skinny. I let out the need to be perfect, to be slim, to be something that I'm not. I let out the girl who would gag on a bite of food because she needed control of anything in her life at that moment, and food consumption was all she had.  I let out the girl who would pretend on the outside that she had it all together, but that on the inside was being crippled with fear.

I know these blogs lately have been kind of depressing. Life up til now has been kind of depressing.  But I'm finding more and more ways to be happy, and I can't help but share that with the world. I read an article yesterday that stated that women need to stop fat shaming themselves, and I finally get it. I look at pictures of myself from a recent dinner with distant relatives, and I realize that even though the woman in the pictures is bigger than her body is supposed to be according to science, she still has perfect blood pressure. She's O negative.  She's a universal donor who can save the life of anyone who needs blood or platelets through her donations.  She's got pretty eyes. She smiles a lot. She ignores injuries so she can get a bear hug from a 4 year old and wears Batman shirts whenever she sees him cause it makes him smile. She loves books. She loves dogs.  She loves her family.  And none of that is dependent on what the scale says.