Failure

I'm laying on the pull out couch in my grandmother's home. Crying. Not sure why. Maybe it's the 4 days of driving. Maybe it's the stress of a wedding. The stress of family. Hormones. Going into my grandfather's shed and being reminded that he's not here.  Wondering what he would think about me. I don't know. But it's been a weird day, and I'm not sure what to do.

I keep hearing negativity. About how fat people are. About how eating is bad. About what's wrong with this person, with that person. With me. And today, I had to walk away. The noise was too much. And I kept seeing this person, who is alone and reminded of it in subtle ways. A person who is overweight, and is reminded in subtle ways. A person who isn't enough, and is reminded in subtle ways. And this boiling anger just sat there, in my stomach, until it lashed out. I always feel like I'm the one to blame. That if I was less this and more that, then all would be well.

"I just want to go home." I texted that to my business partner and friend.  But where is that?   What's there for me? My dog. My apartment. My stuff. My friends. A job I like sometimes. But what am I doing other than being fat and emotional and annoying? Who am I effecting? I'm constantly reminded of this person that I used to be. Am I ever gonna be that person again? Am I ever going to evolve? Am I ever going to be enough, for anyone? Am I ever going to stop crying?

Part of me wants to go out to my grandpa's shed and just sit.  That may be the second shot of tequila talking.