Super happy fun times.

So, I've been depressed a bit in my life. I talk about it a lot here, cause it's something that has effected me since I was 12 years old and lost my grandfather to cancer.  I can't currently afford therapy, so this blog serves as therapy for me. Lucky you!  There have been times in my life that were so low that I felt like the only thing to do would be to just not be anymore.  2 years ago, I went through a very, very rough patch. There was a break-up. A nasty break-up.  I was anorexic at the time, and the lack of caloric intake into my system exacerbated my depression to the point where I would get home from work, lay on the floor of my apartment and just NOT GET UP until the next day when I would start the whole thing over again. Coffee for breakfast. Small Salad for lunch. Apathy and lethargy for dinner. Rinse. Repeat.  The turnaround happened when I called a Suicide Hotline and my ATT service said the call could not be connected. And I laughed...

Technology hates me. It took me 20 minutes to get this photo on here from Instagram.

I've come a long way since then. The change started with a therapist.  It has transitioned to bombarding myself with positivity. Treating my body better.  Indulging when I need to and starting to realize that life is too freaking short to spend it on the floor of your apartment. I still cry sometimes. I still have nights where I lay on the couch and stare at the TV until I drift off, but it's a choice and not giving up.

I'm writing this to tell you about the decision I made recently to just be happy. The toughest decision I ever made. I still have anger issues, and they're next on the docket to be addressed, but they're not self anger issues anymore. I've forgiven myself.   I've started taking multivitamins. Drinking water. Eating healthier but not kicking myself when I break down and go to Chipotle/eat ice cream out of the container/eat a stick of butter just to see what it's like. I bought a LivingSocial Deal for B12 shots, and after the first week I can say that it makes a difference. I have energy. My mind is clearer, even with the painkillers that I'm taking for my jacked up shoulder.  I ate Brussel Sprouts last night.  I had a nectarine for a snack today.  I'm taking longer walks with my dog, who honestly has been the biggest happiness boost in my life. How can I be depressed and laying on the floor when he NEEDS TO PLAY RIGHT NOW?!?  How can I be worried about everything that is wrong with my life when he's eating grass and making me worry about his gut and butt?  How can I ever, ever hate myself when he loves me without judgment? He does love EVERYONE immediately, but there's a special bond that occurs when you are the one feeding him special dog treat turkey bacon.

I'm planning for a future. My future. The one that I wouldn't have had if that Suicide Hotline hadn't hung up on me. The one that may or may not include a man in it, but that will someday have a home. I've found a cute little place that I want to make mine. It'll be tough, but it'll be mine. My mom recently told me I should have a baby through a sperm donor, and imagining that life didn't upset me. It made me hopeful.  My destiny is mine, not my brain chemistry's. I can shape it and make it better than the existence I had two years ago. It doesn't depend on others. It doesn't depend on what if's.  It just depends on what now.

See?  Everyone gets dumped. 


EDITORS NOTE: MY MOM WOULD LIKE ME TO CLARIFY THAT SHE ACTUALLY SAID,"YOU DON'T NEED A MAN ANYMORE TO HAVE A BABY. AND IF YOU HAVE A HOUSE WITH A SPARE ROOM, THEN YOU CAN HAVE A BABY." SO. THERE'S THAT.