My little sister got married. It was awesome. She and Nick are wonderful and perfect together.
I had a double chin in all the photos taken by my family.
I also got bronchitis. I overextended myself, didn't get any sleep, and hung outside in the cold with no jacket on.
My mom said something to me and I, of course, got defensive.
"I wish you would take care of yourself better. Maybe you wouldn't get sick as much."
I took that as her calling me fat. Then I realized that I don't take care of myself. At all. I eat blocks of cheese for dinner. (I'm allergic to cow's milk.) Sometimes I order a large pizza and just eat it for a week. This is not taking care of myself.
So, after a week of hacking up my lungs and hating everyone and everything, I took all my garbage food and made it garbage. I went to the local health food store, and I got all my favorite things in allergen free versions. I plugged in my fitbit, which has been dead since September of last year. I started taking multivitamins and turning off the TV at 9:30 so I can get sleep. I've made myself breakfast every morning, which includes whole gran oatmeal with quinoa and flax, blueberries, and almond milk. I've packed my lunch and started waking up early to walk Kevin around the block (1,250 steps!)
I lost two pounds. But it's not really about that. It's about being healthy and happy and making a positive change. I have seen a major difference in how I feel and how I behave. And I'm hoping that makes a difference in my life.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Sunday, December 13, 2015
It's been a while...
I haven't been good about blogging. It's not that I haven't had things to write about, because I have had things to write about.
It's not because I don't want to write. I love writing.
It's because I don't want anyone to worry.
I haven't been ok lately. I'm not sure what it is, but I haven't felt at all like myself. There's a dark cloud over me and it's been pretty hard to get out from under.
Last night, I went to my friend Tiffany's wedding. At about 11 am, I started panicking. It was in Miami. I'd have to drive an hour and 22 minutes. I checked the invite time 5 times. Made plans to walk Kevin at 1 and then get ready. I tried 5 outfits on. I couldn't decide. I didn't want to go. I dreaded going. My stomach was in knots. "Something can come up. She'll understand."
I love Tiffany. LOVE HER. Her fiance, now husband, is wonderful. They are great, fun people and I love the fact that I was around when they first started hanging out. I love them. I love her family. But I couldn't get my brain to stop worrying about the whole thing.
I went. I sat through the beautiful ceremony and looked into the eyes of two people who are incredibly perfect for each other. I cried during their vows. I watched them kiss. I watched them dance. I made small talk with everyone at my table. I ate dinner. It was delicious.
Then the panic sank in again. I was going to have to make more small talk. I was going to have to dance, when my body felt like it had been beaten on. My arm hurt...I'd left the sling at home. My bra straps were showing. My heart started racing. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror. Tried to give myself a pep talk. And couldn't.
I texted a friend that something had come up at a work party and I had to go. I left mid-best man speech. I clutched my clutch and waited for the valet to get my car. I raced home and into a flannel shirt and pajama pants. I read. I watched a shitty movie and I berated myself.
Today, I did laundry. After the first load, I was exhausted. I slept until 9:30am and by 11am I wanted to take a nap. I held off. Did more chores. Sat back on the couch. Fell asleep at 2:30 and woke up at 5. Walked Kevin. It was a chore. Came home and sat some more.
I have been laying in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. I realized just now that this is absolutely no way to live. I signed up for some e-counseling and will be going to see my GP about upping my meds. I invited all of my local close friends over to my house this Saturday. There were 8 people to invite and 3 of them are family members. This is not what I want my life to be. I can't keep being lonely and sad and angry at myself. I can't keep saying to myself that everyone else probably has other things to do so I should just wait until they reach out to me. I'm going to try to be better. To feel better.
It's not because I don't want to write. I love writing.
It's because I don't want anyone to worry.
I haven't been ok lately. I'm not sure what it is, but I haven't felt at all like myself. There's a dark cloud over me and it's been pretty hard to get out from under.
Last night, I went to my friend Tiffany's wedding. At about 11 am, I started panicking. It was in Miami. I'd have to drive an hour and 22 minutes. I checked the invite time 5 times. Made plans to walk Kevin at 1 and then get ready. I tried 5 outfits on. I couldn't decide. I didn't want to go. I dreaded going. My stomach was in knots. "Something can come up. She'll understand."
I love Tiffany. LOVE HER. Her fiance, now husband, is wonderful. They are great, fun people and I love the fact that I was around when they first started hanging out. I love them. I love her family. But I couldn't get my brain to stop worrying about the whole thing.
I went. I sat through the beautiful ceremony and looked into the eyes of two people who are incredibly perfect for each other. I cried during their vows. I watched them kiss. I watched them dance. I made small talk with everyone at my table. I ate dinner. It was delicious.
Then the panic sank in again. I was going to have to make more small talk. I was going to have to dance, when my body felt like it had been beaten on. My arm hurt...I'd left the sling at home. My bra straps were showing. My heart started racing. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror. Tried to give myself a pep talk. And couldn't.
I texted a friend that something had come up at a work party and I had to go. I left mid-best man speech. I clutched my clutch and waited for the valet to get my car. I raced home and into a flannel shirt and pajama pants. I read. I watched a shitty movie and I berated myself.
Today, I did laundry. After the first load, I was exhausted. I slept until 9:30am and by 11am I wanted to take a nap. I held off. Did more chores. Sat back on the couch. Fell asleep at 2:30 and woke up at 5. Walked Kevin. It was a chore. Came home and sat some more.
I have been laying in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. I realized just now that this is absolutely no way to live. I signed up for some e-counseling and will be going to see my GP about upping my meds. I invited all of my local close friends over to my house this Saturday. There were 8 people to invite and 3 of them are family members. This is not what I want my life to be. I can't keep being lonely and sad and angry at myself. I can't keep saying to myself that everyone else probably has other things to do so I should just wait until they reach out to me. I'm going to try to be better. To feel better.
Monday, September 28, 2015
If it makes you happy!
I have a fantastic life.
I have a fantastic family. A fantastic dog. A fabulous house. Great friends. A job that only makes me want to stab people with spoons occasionally. Enough money to pay bills and enjoy myself every now and then.
In general, I'm happy. I am aware of the blessings in my life.
My brain chemistry is not always on the same page.
The other day I cried at work. A lot. I couldn't stop. I had an altercation with a co-worker and I wasn't feeling 100%, and I cried. And cried. Chef brought me blueberry bread. My co-worker brought me Kleenex. I blew my nose into the Kleenex.
I posted about it on Facebook. I am an oversharer.
My grandma saw. Called my mom. Was worried.
Mom told Dad. Dad commented, "I just don't know what it will take for her to be happy."
I am happy. I AM. I REALLY, REALLY AM.
But sometimes, my brain tells me I'm not. Sometimes, I have to cry. I can't control it. It controls me. And then, I'm fine.
I have a fantastic family. A fantastic dog. A fabulous house. Great friends. A job that only makes me want to stab people with spoons occasionally. Enough money to pay bills and enjoy myself every now and then.
In general, I'm happy. I am aware of the blessings in my life.
My brain chemistry is not always on the same page.
The other day I cried at work. A lot. I couldn't stop. I had an altercation with a co-worker and I wasn't feeling 100%, and I cried. And cried. Chef brought me blueberry bread. My co-worker brought me Kleenex. I blew my nose into the Kleenex.
I posted about it on Facebook. I am an oversharer.
My grandma saw. Called my mom. Was worried.
Mom told Dad. Dad commented, "I just don't know what it will take for her to be happy."
I am happy. I AM. I REALLY, REALLY AM.
But sometimes, my brain tells me I'm not. Sometimes, I have to cry. I can't control it. It controls me. And then, I'm fine.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
House Buying is Funsies Episode 1!
Mom persuaded me to Vlog the renovation of my new home. Here is the day of the closing.
My brother pretended to spray me with the faucet hose. I splashed him. He then actually sprayed me. Belching. Family. You know. Pottinger fun.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Good news!
A couple of months ago, my mom sent me a link to a writing job. A couple hundred bucks for a short story to go in a pretty popular compilation book. I blew it off.
The night of the deadline, I decided to write something. It was worth a try.
I got in!
I'm being published!
In Chicken Soup For the Soul: Think Positive. Yup.
I get a bunch of free copies, some moolah, and they have a PR firm that will be reaching out to me to plug my story.
WHAT?!?!?
I got the news last night via email as we were picking out new appliances at Brandsmart. GOOD NEWS AND STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES!!!
Lemme know if you want a copy. I'll sign it.
The night of the deadline, I decided to write something. It was worth a try.
I got in!
I'm being published!
In Chicken Soup For the Soul: Think Positive. Yup.
I get a bunch of free copies, some moolah, and they have a PR firm that will be reaching out to me to plug my story.
WHAT?!?!?
I got the news last night via email as we were picking out new appliances at Brandsmart. GOOD NEWS AND STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES!!!
Lemme know if you want a copy. I'll sign it.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
A change will do you good.
I hurt a lot. All over, in fact. Dr. Barbie told me it is because I'm overweight.
Dr. Barbie is an asshole.
My legs have been hurting since November of 2014. They have gotten worse over the last year, to the point where I wanted to chop the left one off during that awesome youth group retreat I went on for my birthday. That was my left leg. Now my right is in on the action, and trying to move my body to shed the pounds ends with me in a fetal position at bedtime, popping Motrin and praying for sleep to come.
All that complaining aside, I decided to experiment with the pain the other day. I woke up feeling like I was walking on broken glass.
I got in the shower, and said to myself, "SELF! You are not going to focus on this pain anymore. You are going to focus on how the warm water feels on your skin. You are going to focus on the feel of shampoo bubbles in your hands and the lather in your hair. You're going to focus on the scent of your body wash. You're going to listen to Kevin sneaking in to lay against the bathtub while you shower and listen to him sigh once he settles against the tiles. You're going to focus on the feel of the towel drying your body that can move even though it hurts. You're going to focus on the clothes you can afford to buy and dress yourself with even if you're not your perfect size. You're going to focus on the food that nourishes your body and you are going to be happy that you are alive cause it would suck to be the opposite."
It was a good pep talk I had with myself. I am telling myself the same thing now as my thighs throb from power walking around my workplace. In heels. Like an idiot. But I'm lucky to have a job, period.
This positive thinking stuff is exhausting. BUT I AM TRYING, GUYS. I'm really, really trying.
Dr. Barbie is an asshole.
My legs have been hurting since November of 2014. They have gotten worse over the last year, to the point where I wanted to chop the left one off during that awesome youth group retreat I went on for my birthday. That was my left leg. Now my right is in on the action, and trying to move my body to shed the pounds ends with me in a fetal position at bedtime, popping Motrin and praying for sleep to come.
All that complaining aside, I decided to experiment with the pain the other day. I woke up feeling like I was walking on broken glass.
I got in the shower, and said to myself, "SELF! You are not going to focus on this pain anymore. You are going to focus on how the warm water feels on your skin. You are going to focus on the feel of shampoo bubbles in your hands and the lather in your hair. You're going to focus on the scent of your body wash. You're going to listen to Kevin sneaking in to lay against the bathtub while you shower and listen to him sigh once he settles against the tiles. You're going to focus on the feel of the towel drying your body that can move even though it hurts. You're going to focus on the clothes you can afford to buy and dress yourself with even if you're not your perfect size. You're going to focus on the food that nourishes your body and you are going to be happy that you are alive cause it would suck to be the opposite."
It was a good pep talk I had with myself. I am telling myself the same thing now as my thighs throb from power walking around my workplace. In heels. Like an idiot. But I'm lucky to have a job, period.
This positive thinking stuff is exhausting. BUT I AM TRYING, GUYS. I'm really, really trying.
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