Not ok.

I am not ok.

I'm am getting more ok as the days pass, but it's been a weird couple of weeks.

It started when I went home on a Monday to meet with the a/c company who was going to start servicing my a/c. It was a weird visit.  I kept cleaning things while they walked in an out of the house. Then head a/c guy was all, "Your handler is 20 years old and you'll probably need to replace it over the summer.  Only about 3,000-5,000 dineros."

F&*k.

As I drove back to work, my mind was on how I was gonna do this.  As a very content perpetually single lady, the only discontent I have is money. It's hard living on a single paycheck.  It just is.

So.  I'm at a red light about to cross the train tracks to get to my job. There's a brand new Volvo SUV in the left turn lane next to me that has his reverse lights on. Weird.

He reverses, right into my drivers side door. It crumples. Bent in half, not latching. The cops come. He is not cited for being a f*&king moron. And I go to work sobbing because some selfish dickface decided that turning left was not what he wanted to do and I was inconveniently in his way.

The next week was weird.  I went to work.  I went home.  I walked Kevin.  I stared at the wall. I couldn't eat enough food. One night, I had black beans and chicken. Then some pita chips and hummus. Then a bowl of pasta with butter. I took a bite of the stick of butter. I stared at the wall.

I couldn't sleep. I could eat, though. Insomnia took me into the kitchen where I inhaled half a jar of pickles.  I had a burger a day last week for lunch. I didn't care.  I was numb.

Yesterday, I ate a healthy breakfast of oatmeal with flax seeds and two turkey sausage links. I packed my lunch and ate an almond butter and jelly sandwich, carrots and watermelon. On the way home I ordered delivery and slammed a chicken burrito in my face faster than you can say eating disorder.

I feel empty.

Yesterday, I had to pick my dad up from the airport. I had to get on 95. I had to try to deal with airport idiots.  Some lady tried to merge into my car. And I blacked out. I got dizzy and my vision swam. Thankfully, my dad was at the curb and hopped in quickly. I realized I was holding my breath as he started chatting with me about his trip. I got him to the house and headed back to work. I wanted food.  As soon as possible. Even thinking about driving to the airport right now is making my chest feel tight.

My car is supposed to be ready on Tuesday. I am looking forward to getting it back, as driving a rental is stressful for me. I hope getting my car back will make me feel less off.  We shall see.