Change?

I want to chop my hair off and go blonde. Maybe stick my tongue out a lot and use foam fingers in inappropriate ways.

I want to workout every minute of every day so I can be sleeker. Different. Like Jennifer Grey's nose.

I want to look at the world and not hate it. Not all the time. But a lot of the time.

I want to succeed. In anything. Anything at all.  Business. Without really trying.

I want to stop burying my life in taking care of the dog and live. With the dog, of course. He ain't going nowhere. But do I worry about him at the detriment of my own life?

I want change. They say it does you good.  I say it just slides out of the coin purse and pools in the bottom of your handbag.

I've been failing a lot the last week or two. Saying the wrong thing. Having people hold grudges for assumed slights when I can't even see where there was fault. I've been sleepless. So sleepless that up until my writing this at 1am, I've been staring at the blinking green light that indicates my cable box is still not working.  Over and over it blinks and over and over thoughts flit through my mind. I take drugs. They don't work til too late and then I'm sleepy in the morning. Viscious cycle.  Was sick. Lost Bailey. Tried to be strong for my family. To be there for them. But who's gonna be there for me?

Eh. Vomitous blog. Positive is that I'm gonna be too busy the next few days to even think about anything but surviving an ill prepared emcee gig and a writers conference. Who knows. Maybe selling PMS will be my success. Or maybe not throwing up from nerves tomorrow will be one.  Fingers crossed. Now to sleep. Here's hoping.