I jumped out of a plane and then...I barfed.

A couple of months ago, my friend Diane sent out a call on Facebook for someone to join her in a Groupon Skydive.  Of course I was game. We scheduled it for a Sunday in April, and basically didn't talk about it again until 3 days before. There were a lot of "I'm going to poop my pants" comments back and forth, and the anticipation built.  Finally, the day came. I had breakfast with a friend in Boca and time got away from me.  Flying down the turnpike, I got to Diane's house with 20 minutes to spare. We got to the field, and parked across from the hangar where the Miami Skydiving Center was located.

It was a mess.  A bunch of dudes, a bunch of couches, and a bunch of parachutes being repacked while we waited.  The young man behind the counter came out after our check in to put us in our harnesses.  Diane and I are both improvisers/stand ups, so the jokes were flying as our nerves were fraying.  After a short wait, we both met our tandem skydive instructors, and hopped in the plane.

Diane went first. The small Cessna only held our two groups, and our instructors kept asking us the same old questions.  Pooping pants was mentioned again...several times. Finally, the door opened and Diane was gone. My instructor slid us back to the door, I flung my legs out and away we went.  Arms crossed, back arched and legs up, we free fell for a bit before he told me I could put my arms out at a 90 degree angle.

X-Men shirt, mother fronters!

It was amazing.  Exhilarating. Wonderful. We dropped through thick cloud cover that blinded us to the ground and closed in around us as I laughed. The chill was refreshing as we made our way down, down and down. My instructor took my goggles off so I could see everything around me.  I screamed, " Alonzi!" At some point I said, "I'm going to throw up." But I smiled the whole time.  My instructor yelled in my ear that we were about to prep for landing. He told me to keep my legs up and slightly bent, that he would do the work and that he wouldn't do anything to damage my beautiful butt. We skid across the grass and spun around as I laid there, trying to recover.  I felt like I was going to throw up and said so. Diane came over to me and started unbuckling my harness. I staggered over to the car, and the boys allowed me to sit up front on the 5 mile ride back to base.  I kept my eyes closed and listened to Diane charm the boys in the backseat.  Freefall titties were mentioned. I did breathing exercises as we flew through Miami traffic.

We arrived at the airport, and in front of us was a car parked in the middle of the street as the idiot driver tried to take a photo of something in the sky. This is the moment I almost lost my breakfast. I thought I could keep it in, but as we pulled up to the gate, I knew I was done.  I told the driver I was getting out.  As I turned from the car, I threw up. I managed to get my hand over my mouth, caught it, pushed it back in and had it come flowing out of my nostrils as I ran across the street to a set of log parking dividers. I draped myself dramatically over the log and tossed my cookies.  3 times. Ended up all over my face and hands as I finished up and headed over to the bathroom where one of the guys from the car had GONE IN TO USE THE BATHROOM LIKE A DOUCHE.

I cleaned up as Diane hitched a ride to a convenience store to grab me a water. SHE IS THE BEST.  We got our t-shirts, our DVD's and left after posing in front of the Miami Skydiving Center sign (me throwing up, her laying on the ground as if she were dead.) I dropped her at home and ran to Walgreens to grab some Pepto, Saltines, and a Coke. With all my goodies, I got on the road...and promptly had to pull into a parking lot and lay down for 20 minutes before I attempted the 2 hour drive home to Kevin, who vomited shortly after we went for our after dinner walk. His was a little bit more unsightly than mine. And I didn't have to clean mine up.

Now I want to eat the world.

Video of me being an idiot.

4/15/13 Edit: I took a Dramamine and all that. Still barfed.  Maybe cause Diane gave me a drowsy version when I had a less drowsy.