I'm sniffing an apple.

I don't really know if I want to eat it. Sure, it looks nice.  It's a Braeburn, which is my favorite kind of apple.  I bought it with the INTENT of eating it, as I'm trying to turn some sort of corner in the health arena and kick this weight gain in the buttocks . But I'm just not sure.  A co-worker just walked in on me sniffing it and asked what I was doing.  But it's kind of hard to explain that while the apple looks and smells delicious, I'm just not sure I want to put in the effort to eat it.  As soon as I take that first bite, I am committed. There's no turning back unless I want to stare into the mottled, browning flesh as I try to eat it later.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  I can hear my mom screaming, "Why would you want to keep the doctor away?  DATE HIM!"

Eating an apple is a little bit like life. That first bite is telling the world, "I am ready to invest in the mastication of this food stuff.  I'm willing to sink my teeth in time and time again in order to fulfill my needs."  Just like taking the first step in any direction is saying the same thing to the Universe.  I did it wholeheartedly when I started doing iPlay in college. When I accepted a position at Shadowbox and worked there for 3 years. When I moved to Florida and joined Gated Community, later known as The Jove.  The same with starting and running The Rejects.  It's exhausting, and fulfilling at the same time.  But it's easy to bite off a chunk of the professional "apple" and focus 100% on that to avoid upset stomach from trying to ingest other life foodstuffs, like relationships, friendships, and personal health.

I know I'm in a weird mental place when I can get all this from bringing an apple to work for a mid-day snack.  This weekend was weird. I got super depressed, as I felt that my friends/coworkers/past loves were functioning superbly without my presence in their lives. That even when I was reaching out to someone in an attempt to be a good friend, they were more than willing to not respond. I got so low on Saturday that I was checking and re-checking every social media outlet for any sort of effort, mention, like, or post so that I could have SOME connection with SOMEONE. I even accepted an invite from a young couple that joined the club several years ago and have been asking me and asking me to hang out with them. I worry that because I have focused for so long on the professional aspect of my life that I have in some way compromised my ability to be happy when I am not working.

So I'm going to bite that apple. I'm going to put the work apple aside and chomp down on a big ole friendship/relationship apple.  I'm going to make new friends. I'm going to meet new men. I'm going to be persistent in making sure my current friends know that I am here and that we should be seeing each other more often.  And I'm going to stop feeding my life with work.

And I'm gonna eat this fucking Braeburn apple. Eventually.