ANGST!

I currently have a feeling of ennui.  A gentle, nagging feeling that the life I am currently living is not enough.  I live vicariously through others in the baby, travel, and grabbing life by the horn departments. I worry that I'm losing myself, in a job that's really just to pay the bills, in a new relationship, in friendships that are so comfortable it doesn't seem like any effort is needed.  Which can all be good things, because at least the bills are paid, and I'm dating a wonderful guy, and I don't need to be anyone but me with my friends.  But there is something severely lacking, and I think that thing is adventure. 

I traveled the world at 18 and got to be a brand new independent person overseas.  I came home at 19 and went right to college. I moved away from home and tried to make it as a performer. These things made me who I am today, and I don't regret a single moment. Well, maybe a couple of moments, but we all have those stories, don't we?  But I'm worried that I did too much too fast and now I'm the balding high school quarterback at the reunion who has gone nowhere but down since those bygone days.

I'm a thrill seeker stuck in a soccer mom's body. An adrenaline junkie stuck in a 9-5 job.  A jetsetter that flies West once a year for a comic book convention and longs for the sights and sounds of a new locale. I want to taste every single food ever made, regardless of if it's slimy and makes me barf like calamari. I want to smell the breeze in the Alps and buy handmade turquoise jewelry in Santa Fe.  And I also want to have a home that is mine that I have created. I want to explore and be a homebody at the same time.  And the conflicting desires are pulling me apart like string cheese wielded by an overenthusiastic toddler.

I recently became an adult at the age of 31.  Getting approved for a car loan was a giant leap from the broken 27 year old who fled Northern Kentucky with an empty bank account and a maxed out credit card to her name. That person is no more. But the girl who chose to take a chance on a new life is still inside of me, aching and calling to get out there into the world, to leave the safe and comforting behind and to make treks to places she has only dreamed about in the depths of the darkest night at her parents house.  Maybe that part of me should go away so that I can be content with the abundance that I am blessed with in my life now. Or maybe she needs to take over and allow me to stop being scared to take chances.

Stop or the wine gets it!

I haven't blogged in a while, as I have had little to say.  But at this moment, I say this.  I want more.  And I'm damn well gonna go get it.