Thursday, March 22, 2012

Fiction Friday.

"Hey, you GUYS!!!"

I decided that I have spent way too much time contemplating and complaining. That doesn't do much for anyone, except me as I enjoy contemplating and complaining. So, in an effort to re-ignite my creative juices (which have seriously dried up due to lack of use and apathy) I am going to write a piece of fiction every Friday and add it to my blog.

I know you're probably thinking, "But Lauren, we love your anecdotes about why you hate everyone and everything and how you want to kill people with spoons." Well, I'm sorry, dear reader (and yes, I know there is only ONE of you.) But I sorely need to spread my wings and prepare to fly. In my blog life and indeed, in my REAL life, as I do kinda have one of those. And you're probably also thinking to yourself, "But someone may see her wonderful piece of fiction and steal it and claim it as their own, make millions of dollars and laugh at her while she continues wasting away at her stinking day job." All I have to say to that is, "Yeah. Right."

So. Stay tuned tomorrow for my first stab at a Fiction Friday. Until then, enjoy this tasty little story about a date I went on recently. It's pretty silly and full of hi-jinks (or low jinks as you are about to read.)

I ran into a friend of mine from middle school at a stand up show recently. She was with a group of friends, but I was tired, cranky, and a little drunk so I made a little small talk and vamoosed. We friended each other on the Facebook, and on an evening where I was feeling a)vulnerable and b) exhausted, I agreed to go on a date with one of the gentlemen that was there that evening. I gave her my number, and immediately got a text from the guy, which lead to back and forth texting until the day of our scheduled date, a Friday night. He proposed that we go and watch The Goonies in the park after getting some dinner downtown. I swooned a little, as this seemed like a date made in heaven for nerdbag me.

Friday came and I was swamped at work. A needy bride and her teary mother held my attention until 5:45, with our scheduled meet time of 6:30. I ran home, bathed and primped, and headed out the door by ten til meet time. I texted that I would be late, and he responded that it was no big deal as I should hear what happened to him on Wednesday. I brushed this off as I searched for a parking spot and headed to our allocated meet up spot, near a fountain in downtown West Palm Beach. Assuming that my date was not the homeless man with dreadlocks sleeping on a bench, I inquired as to where he was via text message. He responded that he was down the ways a bit, so I started walking, a bit put off that he wasn't in the exact spot that we had agreed upon, but acknowledging that I was late and should suck it up.

As I approached the intersection he had mentioned, I texted again to inquire as to where I could locate him, as I couldn't see anyone matching the Facebook profile pictures I had seen whilst gently stalking him prior to the date. No response. Waiting. What seems like forever later, I get a message that says, "I'm the tiny guy in the brown shirt sitting on a post." I look across the street and there he is, in all his tiny glory. We awkwardly say hello, and he tells me we should have dinner at a sushi restaurant, though Happy Hour is almost over.

I'm gonna give highlights from now on, as I could tell the whole tale, but you'd probably be snoring by the end.

a) we order food and I'm too nervous to tell him I'm allergic to soy, so eat around the edamame on our appetizer. He eats three of 4 scallops.

b) First anecdote out of the gate is about how he went on a date on the Wednesday before (two days ago at this juncture) and the girl was so awkward and wouldn't talk and he had a horrible time. Leads to me overly trying to be delightful and entertaining.

c) He jokingly, yet vehemently, calls the waitress a bitch for being slow in bringing the check.

d) He goes to the bathroom as THE CHECK IS BEING BROUGHT TO THE TABLE.

e) I pay as we have 5 minutes until the movie starts. When he comes back, he congratulates me on being "Progressive" and slowly offers me cash. I deny it as don't want to be non-progressive.

f) Movie is fine. Til halfway through when he disappears and reappears with Skittles, a Snickers bar, a coke and a sprite. Not sure which one he got for me, I eat the Skittles as they won't make me die and refuse to select a beverage.

g) He thinks the addition of Sloth to the film is too much. Sloth is my favorite part.

h) We head to World of Beer, where he hems and haws about ordering a dark beer. Asks the waitress what her opinion is, and takes her advice. Upon taking the first sip, he calls her a bitch for telling him to get the wrong beer.

i) He gets drunk on one beer. I am not drunk enough for this.

j) We part ways. He keeps calling. I keep making up excuses for no next date, though I should just ball up and say I had fun but not interested. Maybe he'll see this blog. Maybe not.

Another one bites the dust.

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